This is seeming like a better idea every day.

I have to

I can do this
I have to be in control of at least one thing
I don't care if its irrational
at least I'll know I can change something.
Stick to something.
And God, at least I know this is worth it.

I warn myself every time
but I always stumble
and stumble
and they
(the boys)
disappointment me again
and I'm still alone
But every time the pain hurts a little less.
Soon I'll be invincible and completely alone,
and one day maybe I won't even notice.

Shite

I can't sit here stressing out for the next 5 months.
I want to get into Berkeley so bad.
Or any college.
I'm scared to death.
My friends are all applying to like 8 colleges at least, most of them 12.
I'm applying to 4.
Shit.

Hannah Starkey

Do you remember how long it used to take for the little line on the computer to skip between letters when you moved the arrow buttons?
Felt like years.

Be a flapper for a good cause.

Three in a row.
Life is fun. :]

Sacre bleu

I love October.
What I do not love is getting fired.
I find it so bizarre that there is constantly this conflict between my academics and my extracurricular pursuits, in that I place academics as of the utmost importance, even over a job.
I wonder how living in some dinky town like this
with your parents while you attend community college
is somehow more reward-able in a job field than working hard to earn the grades that will get me to the career I really want.
I have a 4.5 GPA overall for high school but I'm being laid off because
I can't work mornings and another girl in high school gets all the other evening hours.
I'm bummed, but more just confused.
Who the hell wants to be a hostess at some little, mediocre Italian place their entire life?
Stepping stones, stepping stones,
take me where I want to go...
Ugh, sacrifices.

Final Homecoming

One of the best nights of my life.
Never allow regret.
Live your life to the fullest, and don't let anyone or anything stop you.

Angel

Pretty Much

It's like when you're driving up a hill straight at the sun and you can't see anything but the lines on the road, but it's ok because it feels like you're going somewhere bright, far away.

3rd from left

Told you I was short.

Homecoming

So I bought this amazinggg
cream-colored dress on modcloth for homecoming dance.
I'm accesorizing with silver but as far as makeup goes I think I'm going to do heavy black smoky eye and nude pink lips, just to keep it balanced.
Hair in messy curls.
Like a princess, only messier and less good.
But beautiful.
My last Homecoming Dance. Ever.

Real World, Here I Come

I'm starting to realize that
I've finally reached the big leagues, I guess.
It's like everything leading up to this year has been
a path just set down for me...
But in a few months the path ends and separates into a million
tiny little choices
And everything matters so much right now.
No one's telling me what to do,
or urging me on.
(Well, some people are telling me not to pick Berkeley, because I might turn into a liberal. Whatever.)
But it's down to me now.
It's my choice,
it's my life.
College?
Major?
Career?
Life.
It finally matters
And as scared as I am
I'm so, so ready.

I don't understand

Where are you?
My soul mate?
You must be out there somewhere.
You're the reason I'm here.
But I can't find you.
I can't find anyone.
It's not even fog
just nothingness.
Where are you?
Why do I have to wait?
Why do I love you so much when I've never even met you?

Oh, screw it

I'll never ask a boy anything that involves emotional vulnerability again.
I'm done with being walked on at the hands of jerks.
Ask me or forget it.
What do you have to lose, anyway?

Lethargy

(Or perhaps the lack thereof?)
I don't know. I don't have the same will or interest in school anymore.
I've progressed from the old resentment and stifled feelings of last year to a sort of pent-up impatience.
Only one short year - nine months.
Then I'm an adult, in all but finances I guess.
Almost got fired yesterday,
I'm not quite sure why - I felt as though I was doing well.
But I worked my ass off and by the end of the night I was getting waves of compliments and $30 in tips (only a server's assistant, but that's the most I've ever gotten!).
I just need to remember to treat people special. I forgot.

Rest assured I have learned SOMETHING in math

Good Bud

You know you've got a good friend when she'll literally pick gum off your butt when you accidentally sit on it.
Also, got dress coded for shorts today.
But I was sassy about it.

QUOTE:
"Hey! Young lady, come here. Your shorts are too short."
"They look 'mid-thigh' to me."
"Those ain't mid thigh."
"I don't think they make 'em that short."
"WHAT'S YOUR NAME?"

Haha.
I was sagging too. I swear to God I attend a convent, not a high school.

Awww

I must be hormonal or something because the pictures from The Cherry Blossom Girl (see link at right)'s wedding just made me literally coo aloud.
I love when you can literally see love.

Things are lookin' up. :)

Mm

So it's sort of awkward knowing you've been hired as a replacement in the literal sense of the word.
At my job, there's this girl who's blonde and pretty and has worked there for 3 years,
but she's leaving soon and people have very directly referenced me as Girl 2.0.
It's super-awkward being in that sort of position because I always get this inferiority complex knowing I'm being compared to other people.
I mean of course they don't expect me to be her, you know? But she's super-outgoing and fits in like perfectly with everyone and I'm still the newest-hire idiot.
I don't know.
Saw "Vacuum" (a.k.a. vacuum of a personality) last night at the senior dance. I pretended I was bulletproof like La Roux and just ignored him all night.
But the little bummer just sat on the stairs talking the whole time.
I wouldn't want to go out with a bummer anyway.

Pretty much everything I'd never say

"All I know is that you're so nice
You're the nicest thing I've seen
I wish that we could give it a go
See if we could be something

I wish I was your favourite girl
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world
I wish my smile was your favourite kind of smile
I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style

I wish you couldn't figure me out
But you always wanna know what I was about
I wish you'd hold my hand
When I was upset
I wish you'd never forget
The look on my face when we first met

I wish you had a favourite beauty spot
That you loved secretly
'Cause it was on a hidden bit
That nobody else could see
Basically, I wish that you loved me
I wish that you needed me
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars,
Actually I meant three

I wish that without me your heart would break
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
I wish that without me you couldn't eat
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep

Look, all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
And I wish that we could see if we could be something
Yeah I wish that we could see if we could be something"

-Kate Nash

New Shooz

Aren't they cool?
I'm trying to figure out what the hell to wear to the stupid safari-themed senior dance. I bought leopard-print leggings but I'm almost at wit's end finding something that matches.

CHICAGO, BABY

Puh-chuses:

One black-and-white striped tunic
One long-sleeved black screen tee
One checkered flannel button-down
One black-and-white patterned tank top
One pair of black leggings
One pair of black pants
One black dress
One Roxy sweater/sweatshirt
One school messenger bag

Pictures eventually. I'll show you my shoes tomorrow, they're amazing and actually come with attitude. I've made it my quest to become a badass this year.

Theory in Practice

""Friendship - my definition - is built on two things," he said. "Respect and trust. Both elements have to be there. And it has to be mutual. You can have respect for someone, but if you don't have trust, the friendship will crumble." "
-Stieg Larsson.

So

I've decided to compensate for my 5'2" height by making myself look like a badass by the time I go to Berkeley (hopefully) next year.
I bought some sick shoes.
I'm also considering piercing my ear up top.
Seriously considering.
Actually, I'm really just waiting to get enough tips to afford it.
Did I mention I got a job at an Italian restaurant? I don't really like anything except the pizza, but I get along with everyone.
I also totaled my car.
It's been a busy summer.

God

It's so hard to accept sometimes that I'm never going to look like an anorexic model.
It's sad that I even long to, but it's such a goddamn pervasive image in our society that I just can't escape from it.
Maybe if I wasn't horrifically awkward and reserved around boys I could let myself find someone who thought I was beautiful, but I'm shy and cowardly at heart and it's just impossible.
Well, not impossible, but very improbable. I'm sure there's someone out there that could give me that confidence but if I'm still at the point where I need them to I don't think I will find them, nor should I.
I need to just accept myself. I'm trying. I want to be at a healthy weight. 145's not terrible, it's just not great. I think 125-130 is reasonable.
This year will be different. It will be mine. I'll find my strength, my courage, and my confidence, because no matter what the next year will be an adventure and I need to be ready, in my own way.
Au revoir, cheries, until next time, whenever that may be.

xKS

Shoe Tree

Isn't that friggin' cool?
Just got back from Arizona, Iowa, and Chicago, pictures soon.
Going to Knott's Berry Farm tomorrow. :D
Also totaled my car 2 weeks ago, which is basically equivalent to sawing my own foot off as far as mobility goes.
School/senior year in a week and a half. Shit/finally.
Look at my new shoes:



Sick, huh?

Eat more tomatoes

So I always laugh when I see magazines praising the delights of being pale
Because as an athletic girl, it's nearly impossible for me to not be tan
and it strikes me as almost embarassing to not be brown (and in my case, freckled),
since I, as a swimmer, consider your skin tone to be an expression of how active
(and thus healthy)
you are.
Downside is that lately I've been hiding out in my house all day, and now that temperatures are soaring into the 100's,
the only way to get me outside is with 2 bottles of filtered water and a body of its salted or chlorinated counterpart.
Today I went to the beach,
and thereafter I managed to actually acquire some skin pigment
(no small feat for the descendant of Frenchmen and Swedes)
and I laughed coolly as I rode home with windows down and the sun slanting over the foot I carelessly poked out of the backseat window,
thinking of the paleness-praising magazines
and about ten minutes ago I looked down and noticed that my pigment
has turned bright, hot-pepper red.
I think maybe the pale-praisers ought to be laughing at me.
Yet I've never felt so happy as after a day at the beach
with ice cream and Diet Coke
and catcalls from random cars.
I'm a senior this year.

The dilemmas of artists

I'll Be Like Rapunzel

People ask me
how long do you want your hair to be?
And I think
until I can braid it in a rope
and climb down from the tower
to see.

(Pic is Sky Ferreira, my hair idol.)

Oi

Sorry I haven't updated in years, guys.
I've mostly been relaxing the last 2 weeks and recovering from the most strenuous school year I've experienced yet
(not helped by widespread assurances that next year will be a hundred times worse)
and it doesn't help that Friday I came down with the 24 hour flu
threw up 6 times in one night until it was just dry heaves
and literally did not eat anything except a bowl of soup through Saturday.
Yesterday I felt better until I decided to be brave and eat salad and an artichoke
to which I subsequently fell prey to with staying awake nauseous until 4 in the morning
and today I managed one piece of toast and a bowl of soup with a half-slice of foccacia bread.
The upside is I lost almost 4 pounds??
But other than that I still feel like shit and I'm scared to eat anything but bread and soup.

Pity party aside somewhat -
the trailer for Harry Potter 7 (???!!!!) came out today
and I realized that I am almost an adult
I swear to God I read those books in 2nd grade
a private screening of the first Harry Potter movie
And the last part of the last movie comes out a month after I graduate from high school
and basically give up being a kid for good.
And I swear I feel like crying because it's like some invisible precipice I've been hurtling toward for ten years now?
And it's amazing, and still a year away, but terrifying all the same.
I'm so excited, but not so ready.

Do you see them?

Do you see all the questions I have never asked?

He Gave Me a CD

I broke it.
With fire and nails and hammers.

?

I am so confused.
A boy asked me if I would accept his heart.
Sounds like something out of a romance novel.
Or The Bachelorette.
Then he said something about a misunderstanding.
Then he said goodbye.
And now I'm sitting here
Wondering why I tried to warn him off
When an hour ago I was wondering why no boys liked me.
I push them away, of course.
Because I'm scared.
I fear judgments and heartbreaks.
And I don't know what to do.
I don't know that I want to do anything.
Except keep floating in deep thoughts
Without the complication of human relationships.
But I should, maybe, just once,
Take a chance.
Maybe.
A misunderstanding, indeed.

He Told His Friends

I asked him to dance
He said yes and then blew me off
and then he told his friends.
I'm mortified, but really
the only person who should be is him
because the reason I liked him
was because I thought he wasn't that type.
Thanks for reinforcing my
very lucky mistake,
JACKASS.

My Latest Piece

Only a rough draft, but the final should be impressive.

C'est finit

I would not call it humiliation
more of a grievous act
not intended to hurt, I think
but nonetheless
an image seared forever
of another girl's arms around your neck
and Journey singing,
"Don't stop believin'"...

I will try.

When will it be right?

So Saturday night I got the moment I was waiting for-
I got the guy I secretly adore alone
In a tent with me, which might sound risque
If I wasn't a coward.
Because I was hiding under a blanket
Because we didn't want anyone to find us -
Not us together, just each of us alone, hiding from the same authority -
And I kept thinking of leaning over to kiss him
Or something stupidly brilliant and daring like that
Or even telling him that I sort of liked him a lot
But I kept thinking
What if he says no?
What if I'm stuck in a tent with someone revolted by me
For half an hour
When I want nothing more than to hug him?
To have him?
And I lay there, entirely aware of him two feet away
And he lay there, silent, listening to his iPod
And I thought that if I were a heroine
Of some amazing novel
I would do something.
But I didn't.
And now I think -
If I really wanted him -
wouldn't I have done something?
But I still do, so much.
It just wasn't right.
When will it be right?
I'm the writer
Of my own story
But I can't even get the ink on the page.

Crapola

I just drank 4 cups of coffee while studying frantically because I have a vitally important SL Chemistry test tomorrow and if I fail it I essentially fail the last year of my life.
In other news, here's a cool picture:

Earthquakes

Earthquakes rattle-
breaking shingles
chattering teeth,
hesitating in doorways.
I can feel them
shaking, rattling,
constant quaking
but the fact is
the ground is solid
it's just that my nerve
is crumbling.

Thoughts summary for last 2 weeks:

Prom?
Test...
Test...
Test...
Prom?
Test...
Test...
Test...
PROM!
Boy?
Date?
Test!
Test...
Test...
STRESS!

Banana Bread

Gossamer

No!

4 hours of my life lost to environmental chemistry.
Farewell spring break and sun -
tomorrow's a new week of rain and pools (literally, boo)
and lots of homework I didn't do.
:P

Naked

I should go to bed because tomorrow
I need to make a mask
blank and white and bare on the outside
but when you look on the inside,
it'll be all the things I keep locked up -
wishes,
dreams,
feelings,
things I've seen,
and all the things I want to be.
I'm sort of frightened to make it,
but thankfully no one will know
just how perfect it reflects.
Good night, loves.

Go Temecula

:)

Huh

I love how I just got waitlisted for a tiny little info seminar for NYU.
I hate to sound like a brat, but really?
Really? 'Cause it's not like I had to call their flippin' operator twenty times over the space of an hour just to RSVP for the thing, and she must have failed to mention the fact that I probably won't even be able to go.
What a bunch of horse doo.
Dear kids - you will not be rewarded for any of your hard work, so do yourself a favor and just put the pencils down now.

P.S. Yeah I'm irritated. I don't need this. Jerks.

Windows Down

Driving windows down in a dirty car
blasting MGMT at full volume into the warm spring air
on my way to Chinese food and friends
Never more content...

When the world has turned
Paralyzed and wrong
Cold-blooded claws never offer
Anything at all

Past the point of love
Shattered and untied
Waiting to pick up the pieces
That make it out alright

But pieces of what?
Pieces of what?
Pieces of what doesn't matter anymore

Moonlight on my floor
Shining through the roof
They got the city surrounded
As if I needed proof
I forgot my fear
Feel it's on the rise
Buried by all of the pieces
Falling from the sky

But pieces of what?
Pieces of what?
Pieces of what we used to call home

Lay my dragon's teeth
And shallow water steel
At the belgian gates
I'm waiting for my meal

- "Pieces of What", MGMT

Interview with the Vampire

Anne Rice a des idees interessantes d'une personne catholique.
Mais j'eus un orgasme quand j'ai vu le liste des acteurs dans le film "Interview with the Vampire". Mon dieu!

(Kidding, sort of.)

I miss you.

Everyone has their vices

Go ahead without me. I'm tired.

Crystal

"Fairytales do it all for me.
I'll climb aboard, let them carry me out to sea."

Sometimes I look around me and think, why do I have to judge everything? When did I learn to squint my eyes, and distort the inevitable beauty in everyone? I have so much sorrow and weariness that I don't think there's any explanation besides being an old soul. Yet I derive the most primal, pervasive delight from the simplest things: laying on a bed with sunlight folding warmly over me, kissing my prince charming (the black cat), and driving with the windows down. My rational self is constantly at odds with the romantic within, and in all honesty I really think I'm just a tiny little bottle full of contradictions.

Hold me up to the window; perhaps I will catch the light and throw out rainbows and the full range of the visible light spectrum on your handsome, dimpled cheeks. If only, if only, I could be that light and fold myself over and all around you like a sunny star.

You know when you see two fictional characters kiss in a movie or something and it's absolutely perfect?
Well, you know the person you always think of when you think of a perfect kiss?
I wish I would do something. Like get him.

Go on

Go on
little stick girls
with your cherry blond hair
and powder-cheeked smiles.
Go on living
little brittle lives
in darkness and silence
and kohl-lined sad eyes.
Go on, go on
I can too
I'll go on with my old soul
and my figure 'full'
I'll smile and catch that wicked glint
in a cat's smug grin.
Go on,
in the end,
I'm the descendant of the fae
with more dark wood blood
in my little toe.

I've had an epiphany. You're absolutely right, you know. I stopped acknowledging your feelings for a moment. I chose to, in lieu of choosing to acknowledge my own. By God, does that make me selfish? I love being selfish so much, if it means taking five minutes to survey my own feelings or sorrow to try and stop and correct it. I can't leave us in an awkward silence for the next twenty years or so. You don't even look at me anymore, I don't think. Did you ever? Did you ever look at me and think of anyone besides yourself, and your feelings? Did you ever stop to look at all the things that were wounding me, instead of the things I did which you perceived as threats or attacks? It wasn't about you. It was about me, and as I should have expected, you took it and turned it back like a mirror that makes everything so much bigger. I guess we're both screaming at our own reflections., with nothing but silver and glass to keep us apart. Who knew they could be so strong?

Not at the table, Carlos!

I was sitting in English today reading A Doll's House (Henrik Ibsen)
listening to two high school boys read someone's hard work
(And supposed literary masterpiece)
in ridiculous accents and halting stutters
and I found myself thinking,
maybe for the billionth time,
that I could be anywhere at that moment.
I could be in San Diego, San Francisco,
Bangladesh, Romania.
I felt so tired, with the knowledge of this freedom
A freedom I still can't touch.
But I will.
I walked outside and sat down on the stairs,
shivering, not rebelling,
simply studying the mountains on the horizon
with the passion of a prisoner in a cage looking at the keys.
I could walk into the hills
and maybe someone would think I was dead
or kidnapped,
and it would be very selfish,
but sometimes a person needs to be selfish to find themselves.
Just not yet.
Christ, the future's so sweet on my tongue.
I can already taste it, but it's still so far.

Ahhh

Madly busy with school and swim; sorry guys.
Check back this weekend, I promise I'll make it up to you!
(Being a mermaid is tiring!)

Story

Don't Go Googling Your Own Blog

...You'll probably get distracted.




All pieces by Ezie on polyvore. Beautiful.

Oh, Calendar

Old pinups never cease to amuse me!



Not much use for keeping track of your schedule, I'd guess!