K so switched to a phone calorie counter; a little easier to manage.

That pic is a contrast of 4 years ago versus about 10 minutes ago. I'm very proud but this is NOT good enough by far. Imagine another 15 pounds lighter...oh I wish. But wishes suck and don't get shit done, so I'll do it myself.

Holy shit
This week has been so bad
I PROMISE not to eat sugar the rest of the week.
Who gives a fuck about holidays and family,
if anything they'll think its impressive you pass on deserts.
Weigh-in tomorrow morn. I don't even know...
I just pray to God I haven't gained it back.
Oh man.
What if I gained it back...

I can't handle being home anymore
Or anywhere, whatever
My dad is on me all the time
about the stupidest things
I go out dorm shopping and buy all this stuff
It's all neatly tucked away in the hallway
But oh gee like 10 of his family members are coming to stay at our house.
Awesome.
So now he wants me to put away all of the dorm stuff, like our family doesn't know that I'm going to college and have to buy shit for it,
and I don't have freaking 5 inches of space in my room but whatever,
doesn't matter to him etc.
He wants me to stuff it all behind the tv or some bullshit.
Or put it in my car.
Ughhhh!
My life is not a storage unit to be kept in 1 room.
But ok, trophy daughter can just keep herself in her room all the time, too, with all her stuff.

And by the way, none of my friends give a flying fuck about me so that's good news too.
I'm just gonna read books and pretend I have a life all summer until I can leave this hole of a place.

I don't even fucking know who to talk to anymore.

Food:

Oatmeal - 350
Lunch: 450
Dinner: 500

1200 net, no workout cuz I needed to recover from 3 days in a row.
Start again tomorrow.

Today:

Oatmeal - 350
Pistachios - 100
Tomato - 22
Mozzarella - 120
Corn - 155
Pork - 70
Peach - 38
Banana Bread - 250 (ugh I know, but it just looked so good and it couldn't have been worse than that peanut butter chocolate bar last week.)
Almonds - 70 (I only ate a few so I could take my multivitamin with them - I get nausea if I take vitamins on an empty stomach. See yesterday. :/)

And minus 600 for a workout.

Net: 575. Yayy.

That's it for now. I'm drinking water like there's no tomorrow and getting ready to go to the gym. :)

Oh and the water really helps. I need to remember that one. I must've drank like 12 glasses today and I stayed fairly on track, if anything just cuz I felt full all day. Especially for that stretch til dinner - however, I should mention I was utterly exhausted today and fell asleep after the gym. My parents were giving me shit for 'doing nothing all day but sleeping and going to the gym' but you can't exactly come back with "well gee you try eating only 400 calories in 8 hours, work off 600 and then keep your energy up." Ugh. Whatever, my mom thought I was 148 and I corrected her - 142. She looked impressed. I'm sure she'll look even more so once I hit the 120's. :)

P.S. I haven't bought new shorts in over a year because I hate the fat between my legs. I've been wearing skirts all the time or just jeans or my old, hugely baggy shorts that make me look like 400 pounds because I can't stand to try shorts on and look at my legs in dressing room fluorescent lights.

I'm going to buy like 5 pairs of shorts when I go off to school and I'm skinny.

2 pounds lighter since last week! Yes!
Ok, I'm going to be very good today because I don't want to go back up or something awful.
But yay! Only 17 pounds to go, and I'm almost in the 130's.
I can't even remember ever being 130...
I think my earliest memory was around 6th grade of me being 145. Hahaha. Oh I feel so wonderful and light.

Ok sorry, slacked bad yesterday:

Croissant - 300. Holy shit that's awful. Never again.
egg - 89
bacon - 120
Oh god this is awful to read.
in n out protein style burger - 330
french fries - 400
oh man.
Greek yogurt - 170
Blueberries- 100
Pistachios - 150

So 1659. Oh god. Oh godddd. I know I'm being dramatic but that's almost like 2000 which is what an average dude should be eating.

Knock off 650 for a workout and its 1000, but the workout doesn't negate it. Fuck.

Today, not much better:

waffles - 500
butter - 100
syrup - 50
blueberries- 100
pizza - 600

Oh god I promise I won't have anything else today. Ugh I'm so gross. Going to the gym asap!!

K 600 down thanks to the gym. Starting to be the only place I can relax. Net: 750 Ugh

My dad made this egg sandwich bacon thing on a croissant this morning. It was so sweet and he means so well but I felt sick and guilty just looking at it.
God, what's wrong with me?
Regardless, I ate as much as I could so it would look like I liked it, but I didn't even taste it.
I'm going to the gym.
Upside is I slept like a baby last night.

K so today -

Oatmeal - 300 with milk or whatev
Coffee - 70 with creamer
Sandwich - 300 with mayo
Lemon Square - 100
Plum - 20
Burrito Bowl - 450ish
Latte - 200
Blueberries - 100

No exercise, I went to the beach and I'm exhausted. I think I'm gonna turn in.
Overall though I feel thinner and happier, and I'm only 4 days into cleaning up my act. What a relief, seriously.

P.s. Fuck, I forgot that lemon square. It was really good and it would've looked weird to avoid it, so I'll consider it for a cause. Still guilty, though.

Sorry guys, I've been on tumblr lately.
Here's the reality. College is in less than three months.
I weight 144 pounds. I think that's the lightest I've been in years, but that kind of sickens me.
I know I'm probably channeling some psychological bullshit, but I need to lose weight. At least 20 pounds in the next three months.
I'm on diet pills, I've been working out. All that shit. Whatever.
This needs to happen.
I can't keep looking at my stomach and being grossed out.
I can't show some guy on chatroulette my chest - and my flab beneath it, and think he might have flinched.
I think he did.
I'm going to start documenting my shit, just to give myself some consistency. Food and exercise daily, etc.
So yeah.

Today:

Oatmeal - 160 cal
Milk - 2/3 C. - 100 cal
Coffee & Cream - 60 cal
Dried blueberries - 110 cal
Protein shake - 140 cal
Almonds - 60 cal
Sushi - 300 cal
apricot - 17
green tea - 0

Plus - 650 or so with that hardcore workout.

That comes to...317 net total. With daily life crap I'd say that's pretty good.
Beach tomorrow, ughhh. I get so self-conscious.


I'm going to the gym to do elliptical for an hour and weights after. I slacked yesterday but 2 more days besides today and I'm at my 5-day a week goal for working out, this week anyway.
Orientation's the 14th of july and the river - as in bathing suit galore - is the 23rd. 10 down? I think it's possible.

Drug habits...

So I went to walmart today and bought some diet pills. I felt super-sketch and the guy who checked me out gave me the same kind of look I'd assume you give a girl who's buying condoms.

I don't know. I guess I'm a tiny bit desperate,

but I am just so fucking sick of no one even looking at me.

I'm sure some of its the fact that I act bipolar,

being uber-quiet and morose in school,

yet super-loud and exuberant whenever I'm out of there,

but I just feel like everything could be so much better if I could just get down to 130 pounds.

You know? I mean, I'm not a cow or anything at 147, but I'm not happy with it.

I want guys to look at me and just be blown away.

I'm sure that's some clinical sign of anxiety or whatever, but fuck it,

I'm sick of being the chubby girl.

I want to be the hot chick that all the guys flock to at the beach.

The one with the date every weekend.

Maybe that makes me shallow, or maybe I'm a perfect product of our society.

I don't know. I sometimes kind of forget who I am.

But I know what I want.

Well

Time to fire up the old anorexic eating habits again. Methinks a 2-hour workout will do the trick tomorrow... and the rest of the month. College is only 5 months awayyy.

ACCEPTED

University of California Santa Barbara

Dance in the dark

I could just blow away and no one would notice.

Taste of Spring

This has gotta be the good life

Just got a new job where I am one of 20 people selected from 400 applicants!
Also, I graduate in two months.
Life is wonderful!